Gossip Response

by: PJ Wong

In response to Mike’s recent gossip, I am outraged on many levels.
The highest level is of course the fact that I can’t believe that gossip has such a high regard in a so called Bible believing community. I really expected more out of you people, especially those in the counseling program, Upper Lehman, 4th room, above Christina Fisher, orange hair, glasses, drives a Hyundai and is totally going to be owned on December the 23rd of this year. This person will remain nameless due to the fact that I refuse to stoop down to that level.
When teaching about gossip, I think of a bag of flour. Each word is a sprinkle on the floor and each phrase is a handful cast upon the ground. And I think it’s about time to clean this mess up.
So in response to the recent allegations, I would like to set the story straight.
First of all, Mr. Boogerman and I were not meeting up for a wedding at all. I had invited him over for some coffee, along with a good friend for many years—Agatha. I had just brought out the game “Don’t Wake Up Daddy” and we were enjoying our reading week.
We had been playing for a few minutes when daddy sprung up from his bed. As Aggie jumped backwards, Booger was right there to save the day. Needless to say, Aggie fell back and found herself in the arms of a dashingly handsome young man. It was love at first sight.
The ordination part is true. I do weddings, bar-mitzvahs, bat-mitzvahs, Yiddish-mich-sche-vahs and the occasional Peruvian chimpanzee sacrifices. So knowing this, Ben asked me to do the deed. I was honoured.
The two set off for the honeymoon when Agatha, happy with her service, offered me a tip. As an honest man I refused but she insisted, telling me that it was a slap in the face to turn her down. I regretfully said yes, due to the fact of my outstanding student fines that are not yet paid. (Don’t worry Marjorie; I plan on paying off every penny with my damage deposit this coming spring.)
Long story short, the fling ended as Aggie found a new love - Daniel Cook. She pursued Dan in New Hampshire and the two have been no where to be found to this day. I hear that the two along with Jamie Knight, Bethany Wiebe, and Jordan Vetro are on an Bavarian cruise in search of the man eating behemoth spoken of in Spanish legend—Matt Cardases.
By the way, did you hear that Mike Salvatore really isn’t getting married? Yep. It’s really a scam to get our presents. He’s hired expert sharp shooter Brittany Rice to shoot down everyone who comes into the dining room. Little does he know, Mary has actually had a secret agenda since day one as well—star hit-men Dave King and Simon Boucher! Together, the three will take Salvatore out so she can run off with his automobile. But keep that one on the down low… just between us… okay?